Questions for Couples
88 questions to ask before marriage 💒
by An Nayal, founder of Flamme · Updated
play them one at a time 👇
How do you want to split money once we are married, separate, joint, or a mix?
both of you answer before moving on 💛
Love is rarely what ends a marriage. Quiet mismatches do: money, kids, whose family gets the holidays, things each of you assumed were obvious. These are the conversations to have first, sorted by topic so you can take them one evening at a time.
all 88 questions
The full list, numbered. Screenshot it, print it, or read them out on a call.
What money questions should we ask before marriage?
- 1. How do you want to split money once we are married, separate, joint, or a mix?
- 2. How much debt are you bringing into this marriage?
- 3. How do you want us to split who pays for what once we are married?
- 4. How do you want to handle it if one of us earns much more?
- 5. What does financial cheating look like to you?
- 6. How involved do you want our families to be in our finances?
- 7. What is the biggest purchase you make without asking me first?
- 8. How do you want us to save for the things that matter most?
- 9. How closely do you want to track our spending together?
- 10. Do you want a prenup, or does the idea offend you?
- 11. How much say should I have in how you spend your own income?
- 12. What is your instinct when money is tight, save harder or earn more?
- 13. How do you want to handle supporting our parents financially if they need it?
- 14. What money habit of mine would you want me to change before we marry?
What should we ask each other about kids?
- 15. Do you want kids at all, or are you still not sure?
- 16. How soon after the wedding do you want to start trying?
- 17. What number of kids feels right to you?
- 18. What is your instinct on discipline, strict or easygoing?
- 19. Do you expect me to stay home if we have kids?
- 20. How much say do your parents get in how we raise our kids?
- 21. What is a parenting habit from your childhood you refuse to repeat?
- 22. How do you want to handle it if we cannot have biological kids?
- 23. Are you open to adoption or fostering if our plans change?
- 24. What role do you want your parents to play in our kids' lives?
- 25. How do you want us to split the load once a baby arrives?
- 26. What last name do you want our kids to carry?
- 27. How do you want to handle it if one of us wants more kids than the other?
- 28. How much of your own family's pattern do you want to repeat with ours?
How do we talk about conflict before we marry?
- 29. How do you want me to approach you when something is bothering me?
- 30. Do you shut down or speak up when we disagree?
- 31. What do you need from me in the middle of a fight?
- 32. How long do you need before you are ready to talk again?
- 33. What is the meanest thing you are tempted to say when we fight?
- 34. Are you open to couples counseling before we need it, not after?
- 35. How do you want us to handle it when your family criticizes me?
- 36. Do you forgive quickly, or does it take you a while to let go?
- 37. What topic do you avoid bringing up because it always turns into a fight?
- 38. How do you want me to tell you when you have hurt me?
- 39. Do you want the last word, or do you want the fight to end?
- 40. How honest can I be with you before it feels like too much?
- 41. What does an apology need to include before you actually accept it?
- 42. How do you want us to handle a disagreement neither of us will drop?
What should we ask about values and faith?
- 43. How important is religion or faith in the life you want us to build?
- 44. Do you want our kids raised in a specific faith, or none at all?
- 45. What would make you lose respect for me?
- 46. How much do our political differences actually worry you?
- 47. What value of mine do you secretly think is wrong?
- 48. How do you want us to handle it if my beliefs change over time?
- 49. What is a belief of yours that you would never compromise on?
- 50. How much does my family's faith or lack of it matter to you?
- 51. What do you consider unforgivable?
- 52. How do you want us to give back once we can afford to?
- 53. What is one value you hope I never talk you out of?
- 54. Do you believe people can fully change, or only manage themselves better?
What should we ask about careers and ambition?
- 55. Whose career do you think should take priority if we can only support one?
- 56. Would you relocate for my career if it meant leaving your life behind?
- 57. How much does my ambition need to match yours?
- 58. What does success actually look like to you in ten years?
- 59. How do you want us to handle it if my income passes yours?
- 60. Are you willing to support us while I go back to school?
- 61. How many hours of work in a week is too many for you?
- 62. What would you want me to say if you need to quit and rest?
- 63. How do you feel about working for the same company as me?
- 64. What risk are you willing to take on a business idea of mine?
- 65. How do you want us to handle a job that demands you travel constantly?
- 66. At what point do you think a career crosses from ambition into avoidance?
What are our deal breakers?
- 67. What would actually make you leave this relationship?
- 68. Where is the line between flirting and cheating for you?
- 69. Is there anything about my past that would change how you see me?
- 70. How much access to your phone do you expect me to have?
- 71. Are you okay with me staying friends with an ex?
- 72. What habit of mine would become a dealbreaker for you if it got worse?
- 73. How much say do you want over who I spend time with?
- 74. What is a boundary with your family you need me to respect?
- 75. How would you handle it if I struggled with addiction one day?
- 76. What would you never forgive me for?
- 77. What is something I do that you have never told me bothers you?
- 78. How much of your privacy do you expect to keep once we marry?
What should we ask about everyday life together?
- 79. Which chores do you refuse to do once we live together for good?
- 80. How clean do you actually need our home to be?
- 81. Whose holidays do you expect us to default to when we cannot do both?
- 82. How much alone time do you need in an average week?
- 83. Do you expect me to carry the mental load of remembering what the house needs?
- 84. How do you want us to handle it if we disagree about having a pet?
- 85. How often do you want your friends around once we are married?
- 86. What does a perfect ordinary Sunday with me actually look like to you?
- 87. How do you want us to decide whose city we live in?
- 88. What small daily habit of mine would drive you crazy to live with?
how to use them well
one topic per night
Money one evening, kids another. Stacking them all in one sitting turns it into a negotiation.
disagreeing is the point
Finding a mismatch is the questions working. Write it down and agree when you will come back to it.
get help for the big ones
If a topic keeps going in circles, a few sessions of premarital counseling are normal and worth it.
play this daily in Flamme
Flamme, the couples app, sends you both one question a day from a bank of 1500+. You answer privately, then see each other's answer, and a shared streak keeps the habit going.
good questions, answered
What are the most important questions to ask before marriage?
The ones about money (debt, saving, who pays for what), kids (whether, when, how many), conflict (how each of you fights and makes up), and deal breakers. Those four topics cause most of the surprises after the wedding.
When should we go through these questions?
Before the engagement if you can, and certainly before wedding planning takes over. It is much easier to talk about money before you have a joint wedding budget.
What if we disagree on something big?
Write it down and give it time. Some differences settle once you understand the reason behind them; others need a counselor. Finding them now is the reason to ask.
An Nayal
Founder of Flamme, the couples app used by more than 200,000 partners. He writes the relationship guides here and builds the free tools that go with them. annayal.com
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