Questions for Couples
76 relationship check-in questions 🗓️
by An Nayal, founder of Flamme · Updated
play them one at a time 👇
How connected do you feel to me right now?
both of you answer before moving on 💛
Strong couples drift too. The difference is that they notice early, because they made a habit of asking. Use these as a ritual, same time each week, and reach for the repair sections when you need them.
all 76 questions
The full list, numbered. Screenshot it, print it, or read them out on a call.
What should we ask in a weekly check-in?
- 1. How connected do you feel to me right now?
- 2. What's one thing you need more of from me this week?
- 3. When did you feel most like a team with me this week?
- 4. Is there anything you've been holding onto that you haven't said?
- 5. What's something small I did that you appreciated but never mentioned?
- 6. How full does your cup feel today?
- 7. What's on your mind that we haven't talked about yet?
- 8. Where do you want more of my attention this week?
- 9. What's something you're looking forward to that we haven't planned yet?
- 10. What's one way I could make your week lighter?
- 11. Is there a conversation we've been putting off?
- 12. What's something you wish I'd ask you more often?
- 13. How do you want us to spend time together this week?
- 14. What's weighing on you that has nothing to do with us?
What goes in a monthly relationship check-in?
- 15. What's felt different about us this month, good or hard?
- 16. Where have you felt closest to me lately?
- 17. What's a pattern in us you've noticed this month?
- 18. What's missing for you in this relationship right now?
- 19. What's something you've changed your mind about this month?
- 20. How aligned do you feel about where we're headed?
- 21. What's one thing you'd like us to try differently next month?
- 22. What have you been proud of us for lately?
- 23. Where do you feel unseen by me, even a little?
- 24. What's something about yourself this relationship has shown you?
- 25. What's a need of yours that's changed recently?
- 26. What would make you feel more chosen by me?
- 27. What's something you're afraid to bring up but should?
- 28. Are we growing closer or drifting, if you're honest?
What should we ask each other after a fight?
- 29. What do you need from me right now?
- 30. What did you hear me say that isn't what I meant?
- 31. What were you actually afraid of in that moment?
- 32. What hurt the most about what I said?
- 33. What do you wish I understood about your side?
- 34. Where did we lose each other in that fight?
- 35. What would help you feel safe again right now?
- 36. What's one thing you'd take back, if you're honest?
- 37. What's one thing I could have handled better, in your eyes?
- 38. What do you need to hear from me before we move on?
- 39. What's still sitting in your chest right now?
- 40. What tone do you wish I'd used instead?
What do I ask when something feels off between us?
- 41. Is something bothering you that we haven't talked about?
- 42. Have I done something that hurt you without realizing it?
- 43. What's been different about us lately that I might be missing?
- 44. Do you feel far from me right now?
- 45. What's something you've been avoiding telling me?
- 46. What do you need to feel okay right now?
- 47. Have you been pulling away, even a little?
- 48. What would you tell me if you weren't worried about my reaction?
- 49. What's making you quiet lately?
- 50. Is there something you're waiting for me to notice?
- 51. What's off between us that neither of us has named yet?
- 52. Do you feel like yourself around me lately?
How do we end a check-in on a good note?
- 53. What's something small I do that you quietly love?
- 54. What's one way I've supported you that you haven't thanked me for?
- 55. What do you appreciate about how I show up for you?
- 56. What's a quality of mine you didn't expect to fall for?
- 57. What's something about our life together you don't take for granted?
- 58. What's something you've never had to ask me for twice?
- 59. What's something about me you would miss most?
- 60. What's a small habit of mine that makes your life easier?
- 61. What do you thank me for silently but never say out loud?
- 62. What's something about this relationship you never want to lose?
- 63. What's a way I've grown that you're proud of?
- 64. What's something about loving me that surprised you?
What questions help rebuild trust?
- 65. What would help you trust me a little more this week?
- 66. What does rebuilding trust look like to you, day to day?
- 67. What's one small thing I can do consistently to earn that back?
- 68. How do you want me to show you I mean it?
- 69. What still makes you doubt me, even a little?
- 70. What would it take for you to relax fully around me again?
- 71. How will you know when you trust me again?
- 72. What do you need me to be patient with right now?
- 73. What's the hardest part of trusting me again?
- 74. What would make you feel like I'm truly back?
- 75. What do you still need to say that you haven't said?
- 76. What's one fear you have about trusting me again?
how to use them well
same time, every week
Sunday evening or a weekday walk. Putting it in the calendar removes the awkward 'can we talk?' opener.
three questions, not thirty
Two from the weekly round and one from gratitude is a full check-in. Twenty minutes is enough.
repair later, not mid-fight
The after-a-fight questions work once you have both calmed down, usually the next day. Mid-argument they turn into ammunition.
play this daily in Flamme
Flamme, the couples app, sends you both one question a day from a bank of 1500+. You answer privately, then see each other's answer, and a shared streak keeps the habit going.
good questions, answered
What questions should couples ask in a check-in?
A weekly check-in can be three questions: 'How connected do you feel to me right now?', 'When did you feel most like a team with me this week?' and 'Where do you want more of my attention this week?' The weekly round above has more.
How often should couples do a relationship check-in?
Weekly for a short one and monthly for a deeper one works for most couples. A habit you keep beats a long session you skip.
Is there an app for relationship check-ins?
Flamme, the couples app, sends you both one question a day from a bank of 1500+ and shows your answers to each other once you have both replied. It keeps a streak so the habit sticks without anyone having to schedule it.
An Nayal
Founder of Flamme, the couples app used by more than 200,000 partners. He writes the relationship guides here and builds the free tools that go with them. annayal.com
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