Couple Games
the 36 questions to fall in love 🫶
by An Nayal, founder of Flamme · Updated
play the original sequence 👇
Warming up: histories, preferences, and small confessions.
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
both of you answer before moving on 💛
In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron's lab showed that 36 escalating questions could build real closeness between two strangers in about an hour. The internet turned it into the most famous date night in the world. Play the original sequence, in order, right here.
what makes it work
The study behind this game paired strangers and had them work through the questions together; afterwards, they reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk for the same time. The design insight is escalating reciprocal self-disclosure: you trade slightly deeper truths in turns, so vulnerability always feels matched, never exposed.
That's also why it translates so well to couples. Long-term partners accumulate topics they've simply never gotten around to - the questions systematically visit them. Attribution where it's due: Aron, A., et al. (1997), "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness," Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, popularized by the New York Times Modern Love essay "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
all 36 questions
The original list, in the original order.
Set I
Warming up: histories, preferences, and small confessions.
- 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- 3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- 4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- 5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- 8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- 11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
Going deeper: dreams, fears, and what love means to you.
- 13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- 14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
- 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- 16. What do you value most in a friendship?
- 17. What is your most treasured memory?
- 18. What is your most terrible memory?
- 19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- 20. What does friendship mean to you?
- 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- 22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
- 24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
All the way in: honesty about each other, right now.
- 25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling...”
- 26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”
- 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- 28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
- 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- 30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- 31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
- 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- 35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
good questions, answered
A sequence of increasingly personal questions from 'The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness' (Arthur Aron and colleagues, 1997). Two people answer all 36 in order, then hold eye contact for four minutes. The New York Times' Modern Love column made them famous when writer Mandy Len Catron tried them on a date.
also try
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❤️🔥 ask the love coach
played it - now what?
Flamme AI is a free relationship coach. Ask it anything the game brought up.
- we just played this - what do we do with what we learned?
- how do I bring up something real without killing the mood?
- we keep having the same argument - break the loop
