⚖️ Flamme AI · relationship advice
mismatched libido: what to do when you want sex at different rates
A difference in sex drive is one of the most common issues couples have, and it gets better when you stop treating it as one partner's problem. Talk about what sex and closeness mean to each of you, then build more kinds of intimacy than just sex.
by An Nayal, founder of Flamme · Updated
talk it through with Flamme AI, freewhat to say, word for word
- "I don't want this to be a fight. I want us both to feel wanted and not pressured."
- "When we don't have sex for a while, I start to feel ___."
- "When I feel pushed, I feel ___. What would help you feel less pressure?"
- "What helps you get in the mood? Is it time, stress, how we've been with each other?"
what not to say
Keeping score
Counting days turns intimacy into a debt.
Saying yes when you mean no
It builds resentment and makes the next no harder.
Treating the lower-desire partner as broken
Neither drive is the right one. You are working out a difference.
how do I have this conversation?
- Agree to talk about it outside the bedroom, as a team problem.
- Each of you shares what sex means to you and what happens when the gap grows.
- List the things that help or block desire: stress, sleep, chores, feeling close.
- Add non-sexual touch with no expectation attached, so affection stops feeling like an invitation.
- Check in every few weeks. Revisit what is working.
talk it through with Flamme AI
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why does this work?
The Gottman Institute describes the usual cycle: the higher-desire partner initiates and feels rejected, the lower-desire partner feels pressured and not enough, and the arguments grow. Seeing the cycle is the first step out of it. (source)
Couples with a great sex life tend to cuddle, stay physically affectionate and talk comfortably about sex, according to the large international study Gottman summarizes. More closeness outside sex usually helps more than more negotiating about sex. (source)
Sources
when should you see a professional?
See a doctor if the change in desire is sudden, or comes with pain, medication changes, a new baby or low mood. A sex therapist or couples therapist can help with a long-standing gap. No one should be pressured or guilted into sex. If that is happening, see the services below.
If you are in danger, being hurt or controlled, or thinking about harming yourself
Please contact a person now. Flamme AI is a coach, not a therapist or a crisis service. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
- US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988
- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
- UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123, free, 24 hours
- UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, call 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours
- Anywhere else: Find A Helpline, free, confidential helplines by country
To find a couples therapist, try the Gottman Referral Network or the Psychology Today therapist directory. Many therapists also work by video.
good questions, answered
Usually not. It is common and workable when both partners care about the other's experience. It becomes a bigger problem when it turns into blame or pressure.
An Nayal
Founder of Flamme, the couples app used by more than 200,000 partners. He writes the relationship guides here and builds the free tools that go with them. annayal.com
