🌶️ Flamme AI · relationship advice
how to talk about sex with your partner
Bring it up outside the bedroom, start with what you like about your sex life, then ask about one thing you would like more of. Keep it curious and kind, and expect the first talk to be a little awkward.
by An Nayal, founder of Flamme · Updated
talk it through with Flamme AI, freewhat to say, word for word
- "Can I tell you something I really love when we're together?"
- "I've been curious about trying ___. How would you feel about that?"
- "Is there anything you'd like more of, or less of?"
- "There's no wrong answer. I just want us to both enjoy it."
what not to say
Bringing it up right after sex
Both of you are at your most exposed. Feedback can land as a verdict.
Comparing to past partners
It invites insecurity, not curiosity.
Pushing after a no
A no to one idea is information, not a negotiation. Pressure damages trust.
how do I have this conversation?
- Pick a relaxed, private moment with clothes on: a walk, a drive, a lazy morning.
- Start with appreciation: something you love.
- Ask an open question, or share one specific wish.
- Listen without defending. Thank them for telling you.
- Agree on a small next step, and a way to check in later.
talk it through with Flamme AI
Every situation is a bit different. Finish the sentence below with yours and the coach will help you find the words. Free, no signup to start.
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why does this work?
A study of 70,000 people in 24 countries, described by the Gottman Institute, compared couples with great sex lives to couples with bad ones. The couples who were happy with their sex life did a similar set of things, and one of them was being able to talk comfortably about it. (source)
Flamme's own data shows how hard this talk is. Questions about intimacy and sex get some of the shortest answers couples write, a median of 6 words. That is a reason to make the talk low-pressure, not to skip it. (source)
Sources
when should you see a professional?
A sex therapist (look for an AASECT-certified one in the US) can help with pain, erectile or arousal problems, trauma or a desire gap you cannot bridge. See a doctor for anything physical. Sex should never involve pressure or fear. If it does, the services below can help.
If you are in danger, being hurt or controlled, or thinking about harming yourself
Please contact a person now. Flamme AI is a coach, not a therapist or a crisis service. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
- US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988
- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
- UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123, free, 24 hours
- UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, call 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours
- Anywhere else: Find A Helpline, free, confidential helplines by country
To find a couples therapist, try the Gottman Referral Network or the Psychology Today therapist directory. Many therapists also work by video.
good questions, answered
Frame it as curiosity, not a request: "I've been curious about ___, would you ever want to try it?" Then make it easy to say no.
An Nayal
Founder of Flamme, the couples app used by more than 200,000 partners. He writes the relationship guides here and builds the free tools that go with them. annayal.com
