👪 Flamme AI · relationship advice
in-law conflict: how to talk to your partner about their family
Talk to your partner first, as a team, about the specific behavior and how it affects you, without attacking their family as people. Agree on the boundary together, and let each of you handle your own family.
by An Nayal, founder of Flamme · Updated
talk it through with Flamme AI, freewhat to say, word for word
- "I love that you're close to your family. I need us to be a team on something."
- "When your mom ___, I feel ___. Can we figure out how to handle it together?"
- "I don't need you to take sides against them. I need you to stand next to me."
- "Would you be the one to talk to them about this? It'll land better from you."
what not to say
"Your mother is a nightmare."
Attacking their family forces them to defend it, and now you are fighting each other.
Going to the in-laws directly behind your partner's back
It puts your partner in the middle and makes them feel bypassed.
Making your partner choose
Ultimatums between partner and family rarely end well for anyone.
how do I have this conversation?
- Write down the specific behaviors that bother you, not general complaints.
- Talk to your partner privately, as a team problem.
- Agree on one or two boundaries you both stand behind.
- Each partner talks to their own family about the boundary.
- Check in after visits about what worked.
talk it through with Flamme AI
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why does this work?
The pattern that keeps in-law conflict going is usually between the couple, not between you and the in-laws: one partner feels unsupported and the other feels stuck in the middle. Turning toward each other, the small daily habit Gottman research links to lasting relationships, is what makes you a team. (source)
Starting the talk gently matters even more when family is involved. Opening with how you feel about one specific thing, rather than a criticism of who they are, is the Gottman Institute's soft start-up, and it keeps your partner listening. (source)
Sources
when should you see a professional?
A couples therapist can help if family keeps coming between you, especially around weddings, a new baby or caring for aging parents. If anyone in the family is threatening, abusive or trying to control your relationship, use the services below.
If you are in danger, being hurt or controlled, or thinking about harming yourself
Please contact a person now. Flamme AI is a coach, not a therapist or a crisis service. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
- US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988
- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
- UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123, free, 24 hours
- UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, call 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours
- Anywhere else: Find A Helpline, free, confidential helplines by country
To find a couples therapist, try the Gottman Referral Network or the Psychology Today therapist directory. Many therapists also work by video.
good questions, answered
Most couples do best when each partner speaks to their own family, and when both present boundaries as "we" decisions.
An Nayal
Founder of Flamme, the couples app used by more than 200,000 partners. He writes the relationship guides here and builds the free tools that go with them. annayal.com
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